This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
