Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize