in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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