apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
