I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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