I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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