Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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