You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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