Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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