Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
