i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
