Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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