My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
