You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
