watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
