Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
