chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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