phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
