Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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