Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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