"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
