She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize