Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
