So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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