so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
