I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize