my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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