I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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