it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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