I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize