At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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