I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
