I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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