drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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