so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
