when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You may now shotgun with the bride
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Shame is for Republicans.
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