I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
its not stalking. its research.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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