the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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