dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You can't special order awesome
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
