if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
