he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
