if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
