I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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