Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
