Banned from zoo.
Again?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
