i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I party with great urgency now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
