I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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