I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Randomize
