There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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