Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize