I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
