i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You smell like stripper and shame
Welp...herpes.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
