Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
