At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
