I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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