His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
