she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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