You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
