Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
