if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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