I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
