wakey wakey hands off snakey
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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