he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
