It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The dick lei will go down in squad history
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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