I accidentally burped into my bong.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sext me about skeletons
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
