I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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